Childhood emotional abuse and neglect leave behind a powerful residue. These experiences can shape survivors’ attributions of self and perceptions of others, undermine their establishment of healthy attachment relationships, and obstruct their capacity to tolerate the receipt and expression of emotional intimacy.
Treating Adult Survivors of Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect: Component-Based Psychotherapy by Elizabeth K. Hopper, Frances K. Grossman, Joseph Spinazzola, Marla Zucker, Bessel A. van der Kolk (Foreword), Christine A. Courtois (Introduction)
I bought this book because I wanted to help someone important in my life. For now, I can at least say I feel more confident in dealing with the dark sides of people and helping them move on and feel more at peace with bad memories and who they are. And I am in no way trying to play the role of a therapist. A critical takeaway is we need to first contain our own emotions so we can be attuned with people’s trauma and loss. It is important that we don’t take things personally; after all it is not our doing that caused their distress.
In life, we can blame others for being too cold, distant and dishonest. We lament that people aren’t capable of being true to themselves and we despair. It can indeed be frustrating when people we care about suddenly act disconnected, chunking a stone wall in our face. We might even cry to show how indignant we are. What have we done to bear the consequence of what was clearly messed up in their past?
But the world is full of broken people. Some are so broken that they are considered a damage to society. Some are less so, but their family shed tears that could have been saved for laughter. What we can offer is listening, witnessing and sympathising. Doing so, we help them rebuild a narrative that potentially reconstructs their own identity. Acknowledging this is important to maintain self-love and love for others.
Some bits of this book can get very technical, which was challenging. But I recommend this book anyways because it is a well-researched, effective tool to help people understand the skills to deal with a wounded person.
Siming Lan 